Sunday, April 22, 2018

Ask a Librarian

The Ottoman was captured and put in a holding pen, a 100% foolproof holding pen, because she was causing headaches. The Footstool ran around screaming. The Ottoman screamed back to the Footstool.

"Ottoman!" screamed the Footstool.

"I'm in here!" screamed the Ottoman, from inside the foolproof holding pen in the barn.

"Come out!" screamed the Footstool.

"I'm in here!" screamed the Ottoman.

Second verse same as the first.

This is the backdrop for today's agricultural adventure which is called The Owl and The Ottoman.

The Farmer had gotten the tractor repaired and was cleaning the down-below barn. The Boston Terrorist was riding shotgun in case anything interesting happened. Dolly was ensuring compliance to all the farm rules and regulations.

"I would sell a kidney before I would sell this tractor," the farmer remarked to the Boston Terrorist, as they bucketed out vast quantities of jet-black manure to the tune of the little Kubota engine.

In the background, the distant aria of the Footstool and the Ottoman screaming.

This gave Belle Starr an idea.

"I wonder if the Footstool and the Ottoman should write an epic poem."

Tangy blinked.

"A book-length poem."

"Something like this," Belle Starr went on:

"The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat
The Footstool and the Ottoman stayed ashore
and joined a herd of goats
They started screaming
and gave life meaning, and..."

"Meaning and screaming doesn't rhyme," thought Eo, but didn't say anything because what is the point. She was a poet, and hated the approximate.

"That isn't book-length," Moony interjected knowledgeably. "A book is at least two pages."

By this time the Farmer had piled up a small mountain of aromatic espresso beans.

"Moony should know what a book is," certified Tangy. "She is a librarian."

"I think you mean BARBARIAN," thought Eo.

Just then a surprising silence fell.

"What is that noise?" asked Moony. (Translation: why did the noise stop?)

The Farmer had turned off the tractor, and the rhythmic throbbing of the diesel engine was gone. But there was something else, some other kind of silence, something of an unscreaming nature.

Just then the Ottoman appeared.

"I'm out," she said cheerfully, referring to the 100% foolproof holding pen. She began looking around for headaches to cause.


Ozarks Goat Girl said...

You. Made. Me. Laugh. All the way through this post starting with the first sentence. I adore these stories. Thank you!

Claire MW said...

The Ottoman is clearly not just The Ottoman. She is the Ottoman Empress, looking to create the second Ottoman Empire. A goat with a grand history and a new destiny. Ah yes, I see all the signs.

Anonymous said...

Well, if you have to have a headache everyone knows that a cheerful headache is the very best sort to have.