It's Been No Bed of Roses, No Pleasure Cruise

CHAPTER ONE

We got five more dollars in pledges for the Tangy fund drive. We already had one dollar, so that makes six. I know six dollars is a lot of money, but still it seems like we have a long way to go. Maybe Oprah or someone will chip in. If you know Oprah, ask her to chip in, we could do a show about it. Oh well. Maybe it's hopeless.

Speaking of hopeless, there was a big goat show yesterday. The farmer had a headache and didn't want to go. A couple of weeks earlier the farmer had clipped Blue Umbrella for the show because she was looking good. As soon as the farmer finished clipping her, Blue stopped making milk, turning her udder into a little shrunken handbag.

"Great," said the farmer, and looked around the barnyard. Boxcar Betty was looking good; her spots were flashing in the sun.

"Betty, come here," said the farmer. Betty ran like a scalded cat as fast as she could, squeaking neatly through the gate into the front pasture. Nice try, Betty, but two farm boys came over later that day and they apprehended and frogmarched Betty back to the barn where the farmer started clipping her.

The farmer had Betty about half clipped when the clippers broke. "Great," said the farmer. The new $150 clippers - not the ones from the tack sale that cost $15. The ones with all the blades that had just been sharpened.

The farmer regarded Betty dubiously: she looked a lot like Carol Brady on the Brady Bunch, with a shag haircut that would send shivers down the spine of anyone who lived through the seventies.

"Great," said the farmer. Oh well, maybe the farmer from Minter Bay wouldn't want to go after all. The farmer from Minter Bay had been naysaying and shillyshallying about any further goat shows that summer.

Just then a terse commanding email completely lacking in pleasantries popped in the inbox: "Meet me at my farm at 6 tomorrow. Showing at 9."

"Great," said the farmer. The farmer's head started pounding. Up at 4:30 to milk and shower, then over to Minter Bay to stuff Cora Belle into the car, then off on a two and half hour drive to Stanwood.

"That's just great," said the farmer gloomily, wondering if any stores would be open to buy Aleve and knowing full well there is no Starbucks near the Fairgrounds in Stanwood and generally feeling very grumpy.

CHAPTER TWO

Cora Belle triumphed and won Reserve Champion in one ring and Grand Champion in the two others against beautiful steep Northwest competition and a mood of incredible jollity and gracious kindness and humility descended, broken only by the unseemly bellowing of the song "We are the Champions" in the car on the way home.

Schooling the Tangerine Whale

The good news is we have already raised $1 for our Tangy Pledge Drive. It only took two days. So at this rate in 3074 more days she will be on her way to her new Kiwi home. That is only eight years and a few months! Vaya con Dios, Tangy!

The bad news is that yesterday some children came over and one of them was quite small and she wanted to ride a goat. When I heard her say, "I want to ride a goat," I discreetly galloped at top speed to the far corner of the pasture, right behind Hannah Belle who was making extremely good time for a goat who is eight months pregnant.

Everyone else with normal intelligence followed us, leaving only the Nubian crosses and Eo up at the barn in catching range. Eo was plotting a government overthrow as usual and not paying attention to the conversation.

The farmer was dubious since none of us had ever been ridden. "I don't know about that," the farmer said, eyeballing the Nubian crosses. "It would have to be a big goat."

We don't have any big wethers since there is a strict rule against them, and they would be the natural choice for goat riding activities. Big Orange and Xie Xie are pregnant, so that got them off the hook. Pinky Jr. is too skinny because she is growing so fast and Pinky is a milker and she will also be the new Sheriff of Crazytown if Maddie ever resigns. She is Crazy with a capital T.

And that left only one goat: the tangerine whale.

"See if Tangy will come out," the farmer told the children.

Tangy lumbered out.

"Okay let's see if we can get the horse halter on her," the farmer said, pretending not to be surprised.

Tangy stood patiently while an upside-down horse halter was put on her for a harness.

"Okay let's put you on her," the farmer said to the little girl. On she went.

"Hold on tight," the farmer told the little girl, and she grabbed the halter. The farmer snapped a lead rope on Tangy.

"Okay let's see if she will walk." Tangy walked off without batting an eye.

"I want to ride her alone," the little girl said. "By myself."

The farmer took the lead rope off.

Tangy and passenger walked off alone. There was no sunset at that time of day or they would have walked into it.

"Hmm," said the farmer. "Who knew."

I wonder if this means Tangy is still going to New Zealand in 2019. I kind of don't think so.

Send Tangy to Kumara Junction

We did not have much luck raising money to send Tangy to Spindale. We raised zero dollars. But that's ok because it looks like there is a better opportunity.

The farmer just read about a lady in New Zealand who has made a special home for a special goat.

Obviously this lady must be extremely patient, so this would be a perfect home for Tangy. And it is even farther away than Spindale.

Unfortunately the ticket to New Zealand is a bit more ($1538) so please give generously. But Tangy would be right in Tasmania so she might meet a nice Devil, and also she would not be here eating all our food. Thank you.

Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends

If you don't care about conformation that probably means you have bad conformation.

And you probably spell it wrong too. "Oh who gives a hoot about CONFIRMATION," that's what you probably say when the subject comes up.

Conformation means do you look good, with all your arrows pointing in the right direction, and do you walk along smooothly like an ice skater on a frozen canal in Amsterdam. Or do you look like a washing machine full of dirty gym socks tumbling down a mountainside when you come running toward the feeder.

Anyway I am in the Baby Belle family so I have excellent conformation except for my chandelier udder which is the only thing saving me from a lifetime of goat shows. Thank God for my chandelier or I would probably have to buy a tour bus to appear at all 50 state fairs.

However certain parties around here have developed a pronounced washing machine style of locomotion and there is two of them and their name is the Moldy Family. That means Moldy and her daughter Abby.

They are fine and all and I have gotten used to them and nobody even bothers giving them a thrashing any more and in fact you hardly notice them until you see them walking and then it becomes apparent that they toe out in the back like a pair of penguins. My goodness it is really something.

For a long time I couldn't figure it out, then I remembered they are from Oregon, and that must be where their duckfoot comes from. Because Oregon is ruled by Ducks.

But anyway I have taken a vow of kindliness and I never even mention anything about it. What would be the point. They must know what they look like by now.

And even a duck may be somebody's mother.

Terrifying Intruder, Part One

Hello. Today there was a terrifying intruder.

When faced with a terrifying intruder, it is important to pay attention. It is almost impossible to be properly terrified if you are dozing off.

Steps which will aid in focusing the attention:

1. Everyone must face the terrifying intruder, even Pinky.

2. Actually, this is really Step One, but we usually do it second. So we call it Step Two. Step Two: Stop eating. Even Pinky.

3. Try to identify someone nearby who is smarter than you (difficult in my case, but Pinky can just look anywhere, even at a pigeon) and see what they are doing. Do whatever they are doing.

4. Is Hannah Belle anywhere nearby? If so, the intruder isn't really that terrifying. If Hannah Belle has vanished, run for the barn.

Thank you. I hope this has been of some help to those of you who are unsure whether or not to be terrified.

Dreamytown

The farmer went away for a week and when the farmer came back my daughter Pretty Baby had gotten EVEN CUTER. Hard to believe but true.

In less interesting news, Jimmy had had a little buckling, he is also a single like Cherry's daughter Maraschino, and he also has milk stupefaction. He is a mini-mancha with blue eyes and wattles. He can hardly keep his eyes open.

He is always waking up and discovering that the whole herd has gone somewhere else and he is all alone and then he starts crying sleepily and then Jimmy appears with a big bag of milk and tops him off and then back to Dreamytown, see you later, you're getting very sleepy, don't try to talk.

We are thinking of calling him James Dream because all of Jimmy's sons are named Jimmy.

Well, she only had one, but his name was Jimmy Jr.

Hazel

Sometimes one day is a lifetime.

We lost our little nut. So now we can call her Hazel.

5/13/2011 - 5/14/2011.

Nameless New Nut

We have seen some tiny little peanuts in our day. Including Mr. Peanut himself, now the largest 4-legged peanut in the world. But usually they are Nigerians.

In a move that took everyone by surprise, Wronny had a rare LaMancha peanut doeling last night. This is a tiny one. We are all holding our breath.

"She doesn't look that good," the farmer said gently to Wronny. Wronny ignored that comment, and got busy cleaning the peanut and getting it started and giving the farmer occasional icy looks, as if to say, "why are you still standing here when you could be going to get the vanilla wafers?"

I thought the peanut should be named Hazel. But the farmer said no, no names. Not right now. It would be a jinx.

The peanut has one thing going for her, though. She is mad as a hornet.

And about the same size.

Lucy

Lucy just had two little chocolate Toggamanchas. They seem to lack personality but I will give them a couple of days. Anyway, I am pleased. Lucy will have plenty of milk for the Milk Drive if Cherry gets tired or Pinky.

You Can't Get Good Help

Did you notice how nobody ever bothers to bring these two a glass of water? The exact same thing happens to me whenever I go out to eat.

We Three Blue-Eyed Crybabies

Talk about a royal pain, these three never stop whinging. The Duke, the Duchess, and Grand Empress Betty.

Send Tangy to Spindale

Won't you please help. We are raising money to send Tangy to the Spindale Goat Festival and Parade this month. As you probably know, Spindale is the home of the American Dairy Goat Association, and last year they started having a festival and parade and I guess it was a big success with dancing in the street and little girl bands and goats dressed as honeybees and so they are having it again. And we would really like Tangy to go so she can demonstrate her swordfish walk. Spindale is in North Carolina, and we think once she gets there, she won't be able to get back, so we would really like her to go. I don't know if I mentioned that. She won't fit in a crate (no, not even a Great Dane crate) to go on the airline so we will need to buy a bus ticket. One way. Thanks for any contribution you can make.

Pretty Baby!

Jumps for Joy!

Fleet Foxes

Speaks for itself....right?

Goat of the Month

Cherry is our Goat of the Month. Congratulations to Cherry.

Cherry (aka Tellicherry) is Pinky Jr.'s (aka Pinkberry) twin.

They are both Big Orange daughters.

Cherry is just as sweet as Big Orange but not as crazy, only medium crazy. She is the type who can be released on her own recognizance. That is if you can catch her in the first place. She is a fast runner and good at sharp turns. She looks like a big sleek glossy black deer with mostly chewed-off ears.

Cherry has been donating to the Milk Drive every day. All of the milk collected goes to my three kids and the farmer's coffee and cheese fund and the save-Wendell-from-unsightly-weight-loss campaign and the goat milk soap factory in the cottage and the please-support-elderly-border-collies Foundation.

And there is still plenty enough left over to stupefy Maraschino. We have never known Maraschino to stay awake for longer than five minutes, this is because of milk stupefaction. She is constantly nodding off.

Try stupefying someone with milk you bought at the grocery store and see what happens. Nothing.

Anyway Cherry is our Goat of the Month. Congratulations to Cherry.

Many Happy Returns of the Day

It certainly has been a red letter day for Royals everywhere.

After watching the nuptials of Prince Wills and Catherine Middleton, the farmer turned us out for the day in the front pasture. Betty promptly turned around and ran back to the gate, kicking it wholeheartedly so as to rattle the chain and get the farmer's attention.

"What's wrong, Betty?" said the farmer. "Don't you want to stay out? It's a beautiful day."

Betty just huffed impatiently until the farmer opened the gate and then she rushed back into the barn to her stall where she laid down and had two babies, a boy and a girl.

As you probably know my family is famous the world over for its unwarranted modesty so you will certainly believe me when I say that these are two of the most beautiful goats ever born and since it is within my power as the ruling monarch of the Baby Belle Royal Family I have bestowed upon them titles to mark their extraordinariness and they will henceforward be known as the Duke and Duchess of Lakebay.

And the barn bells will toll for thirty minutes at the stroke of 12:30 p.m. from this day forward on their birthday if we can find the barn bells or maybe we don't have any but if we don't Wendell will bark for a minute instead.

And thus it is decreed. Go forth and eat blackberries.

Maraschino

Maraschino gazes in admiration at her mother Cherry.

Cherry is a living monument to milk.

The Milkoleptics

Life used to be so hard. (Just a couple of days ago.) Now everything is easy. Because of Cherry.

Here I am enjoying some mommy-shiatsu-time with Pretty Baby, one of my adorable little daughters.

Here is Pretty Baby's Schedule:

1. Drink Cherry Milk From a Bottle
2. Sleep
3. Sleep
4. Sleep
5. Massage Mommy's Back
6. Drink Cherry Milk from a Bottle
7. Sleep
8. Sleep
9. Sleep
10. Play With Other Kids From the Neighborhood
11. Repeat Steps 1-10.

That Cherry milk could put an elephant to sleep. It is full of butterfat and sweet dreams.

Fair Foreboding

I don't really know what to say about this video. Except I am glad I am not a sheep. This is just another reason why I am so grateful for my chandelier udder, which means I will never have to go to the Fair. They are always doing things like this at the Fair, although there really isn't anything like this. But I think you know what I mean. I am not going to mention anything about it to Cherry, she has a beautiful udder and so does Pinky. Poor girls.

Calypso

As usual the election was free of any suspicions of malfeasance. The people have spoken. Some of them more than others.

Meet Calypso. Calypso Bean.