Friday, November 27, 2009

Barn Nessie

As many of you probably know, the Northwest with its deep primeval forests is home to many strange creatures. There is Sasquatch of course. And the vampires of Forks.

And now there have been some chilling sightings around the farm. A medium-sized potbellied creature with four legs and a rustling eyeless paper head appeared INSIDE the barn on several recent occasions, throwing Walker the Talker into a panic. Lori was visiting and she was able to snap this photo of the creature before it burped loudly and laid down to take a nap.

Like a Moth


In this photo Melody sees a person with a camera and is drawn toward the limelight.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

So Many Thanks

We must be thankful for what we have. Even if it is horrible.

So I would like to thank the rain for coming down from the sky in torrents. I would like to thank the mud for filling the barnyard. I would like to thank Jammies for conserving her milk for future generations. I would like to thank my lucky stars that I am not a turkey.

I would like to thank my fans for not hating me because I am beautiful.

I would like to thank the farmer down in Chehalis who grew the pea hay.

I would like to thank Melody for all of her preening and simpering.

I would like to thank Pinky, Jr. for not biting my tail (yet) today. I would like to thank Joy for hogging all the hay. I would like to thank my mother for the milk she used to give me that I do not get any more. I would like to thank Walker the Talker for his many incomprehensible ideas. I would like to thank Tangy for her unique swordfish show walk. I would like to thank Zydeco for giving Melody a thrashing.

I would like to thank the farmer for giving me one tiny morsel of grain so that I would not completely starve to death. I would like to thank Wendell for sleeping on a cushion all day.

I would like to thank you, whoever you are, for whatever it is you did. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Jammies Rennt

Jammies the stingy mini-Mancha came in heat this morning. She stood at the fence and bawled like a calf.

"Come on Jammies," said the farmer. Off Jammies went to see Cowboy, taking her little bag of candy milk with her.

Jammies went in with Cowboy and their love came to fruition before the farmer could close the gate behind her. Jammies turned around and knocked politely at the gate.

"You are going to stay in there for a while, Jammies," said the farmer. "Just to be on the safe side."

The farmer went in the house and Jammies started running. She was almost always one step ahead of Cowboy, indicating to him quite clearly that she had gotten over her crush on him. Back and forth they ran all day, with Jammies trying to snatch mouthfuls of hay as she ran past the feeder.

I watched the little bag of milk bounce around.

I could have told Jammies how to get out of there. My Aunt Hannah Belle showed me one time.

But I guess if she wants to keep that milk for herself she can just figure it out on her own, using her keen mini-Mancha intelligence.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Got Milk? Me Neither.

As you know I explained to the farmer months ago that I did not want to go on weaning. This is where you do not get any milk. The farmer said, "fine, you are Baby Belle, Jr., so I am not going to put you on weaning."

I thought this was very sensible and civilized.

Then today my mother Belle Pepper - MY OWN MOTHER - put me on weaning! She would not give me any milk! NOT ONE DROP!

I told her PLEASE BE SENSIBLE! THE FARMER SAYS IT IS OK! I AM BABY BELLE JUNIOR!

She turned a deaf ear on me.

I said MOTHER! PLEASE BE SENSIBLE! I AM ONLY FIVE MONTHS OLD! I NEED MILK!

She turned a deaf ear on me.

I looked around and there was several others with plenty of milk they did not need, even Jammies had milk and so I said, "JAMMIES! WHAT ABOUT THAT MILK IN YOUR LITTLE BAG??!! I COULD DRINK IT FOR YOU AND YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TO CARRY IT AROUND!"

Jammies turned a deaf ear on me. Then so did Betsy, and Winnie, and Wronny, and Big Orange, and everyone else.

PLEASE! I said. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! I NEED MILK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU!

"You will get used to it," said my brother Zane Gray. "I am not even interested in milk any more."

PLEASE! I said. PLEASE!!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Melody


Several people keep asking me for a picture of Melody. Well I don't have one and I don't know why you would want one because she is just a little very plain whitish goat. She has a couple of drab brown patches to go with the white. Well people kept asking like she was a big movie star or something and since we don't have a camera that works I sat down and did a very good drawing of her. It is an excellent likeness of her even including the drab patches although I have to say it is by no means perfect. For one thing it does not catch the true simpering quality of her expression. She is quite a simperer. But anyway here it is and I hope you are all happy.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

My New Enemy

This post is private please do not read it.


Dear Diary:

The new goat Melody has been hogging the limelight. She has been crybabying also to get more food and attention. She pretends to be cuter than me which is impossible. She is my enemy.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Snakes on a Plane, Goats Can't Even Get on a Bus

I guess this is supposed to a funny video or something, but 1) I think I might know these guys, they look like some cousins of mine and 2) what if they needed to get somewhere? Are they supposed to walk?

Goats Try to Board a Vancouver Bus

Cute?

Some people say LaMancha babies are not very cute. It is true they are not as cute as Nigerian babies. But I think they may have a vestige of cuteness, even the plain black and tan ones. This is Stuart Little, Winnie's little runt, showing off his single spot as one of the farmer's friends tries to engage him in conversation. You decide. video

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Mystery of the Shrinking Gate

Something else annoying happened today. I was running to help the farmer put the grain in the buckets when suddenly I was trapped in the swing gate. Every time before this I was able to squeeze right through the gap at the end but this time for some reason I stuck fast. Obviously someone must have come into the barn at night and shortened the gap. Possibly some type of intruder architect or carpenter.

"It looks like you are stuck, Millie," the farmer pointed out helpfully.

The farmer started filling all the grain buckets without me.

"I guess you won't get any grain, Millie," the farmer said. I thought it was a very sad and tragic thing, but the farmer sounded quite chipper. I only gave one little whimper; I am a very stoic goat.

But then the farmer said, "Come on, Melody, you can help me fill the grain buckets."

And the new goat went scampering to help in a very brown-nosed fashion. So then I started bawling. Louder even than Walker the Talker. No justice, no peace.

Monday, November 09, 2009

My New Friend

Something very annoying happened.

A new goat came here.

Its name is Melody. It follows the farmer everywhere and cries when the farmer leaves.

"Isn't that cute, Millie?" the farmer asked me.

The new goat is small and white and plain and lacks magnificence, unlike me. It lacks personality and style as well. When it first got here the farmer tried putting it with Blue Umbrella. Blue Umbrella gave it a thrashing and it started crying and the farmer came and took it out.

The farmer put it in with me and the babies and my mother. My mother gave it a polite, friendly thrashing and it started crying. Just a very kindly thrashing. Then Zydeco, one of the LaMancha babies, gave it a Soprano Family thrashing and it started crying like an air raid siren, even though it is a yearling and Zydeco is only about six months old. I never really liked Zydeco before that but I can see she has some good points.

The farmer came running like there was some kind of big emergency even though everybody gets a thrashing here at some point in the day. Society is built on thrashings and the promise of thrashings. Without thrashings there would be chaos.

"What is going on?" the farmer said, and took the little goat out and then gave a lecture on The Social Fabric. Can't we all just get along, bla bla bla, and how would we like it, etc etc etc.

We couldn't go out because it was pouring. The farmer gave me a gleamy look and the next thing I knew I was being settled in a stall with the new goat.

"Millie will be your friend," the farmer said, and then went into the house. I tried to give the new goat a thrashing but I am only four months old. Then she tried to give me a thrashing but I am Baby Belle, Jr.

So now I have a new friend. And it's very annoying.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Z Report

Well as you know this is a Z Year. Not for us Nigerians, we do not go in for that type of nonsense. But the LaMancha babies all have to have Z names and there seemed for a long time to be very slim pickings, with a lot of waffling and do-overs, even more than usual.

The final results are in, and the names are going to the registry.

Zinnia's name is not going to be Zinnia. There are way too many zinnias in a z year. Her name is going to be Zenyatta, even though she is not 17+ hands tall and isn't a very fast runner. It is just a good name for her, and she does have a white blaze on her forehead. GO ZENYATTA!!!

Pinky's name is not going to be Pinky. It is going to be Zedoary. This is a kind of ginger, and we could call her Dory if we wanted, but honestly we will probably just call her Pinky. Even though her name is now Zedoary. It doesn't really matter, because she will never know what her name is.

Pinky, Jr. is going to be called Zapricot because she bites.

Pinky, Jr's sister is going to be Zamora, which is a city in Spain that is famous for its cheeses.

Ziggy is going to be called Ziggy. She won't stand for any other name.

Jimmy (Joemma Beach) is just going to be Jimmy, she is exempt from the Z rule. And plus she is already confused about a lot of things, so why make matters worse.

Please start thinking of A names now, it took eleven months to do Z.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Will You Please Be Quiet, Please?

I have not been here that long but nonetheless I have noticed certain things. One thing I have noticed is that nothing ever stays the way it is.

Things go along and everything is fine. Everyone acts normal. The food comes fairly promptly. Nobody berries in the water bucket. The screaming is kept to a polite minimum, mostly from Walker the Talker, the world's handsomest minimancha wether, who always seems to be yelling, "I may be the world's handsomest minimancha wether, but I am PART NUBIAN!"

Anyway that is to be expected and nobody notices it any more, it is like living near an airport, after a while you can sleep through a Dreamliner taking off in your living room.

So for the last couple of weeks we have just been having normal days. Then all of a sudden all hell breaks loose and the bats shoot out of the belfry.

Today it started with Aunt Hannah Belle going into heat, finally, and performing several eye-popping maneuvers which will be documented on the Flip video camera in 18 days when she does them again as she surely will. Anyway, as fat as she is she pushed her rubber bones through the pipe gate, under the railroad tie, through the back pasture fence and back up the other side so that she could stand outside the buck pen with her fanny wiggling in a most unseemly manner.

Since Aunt Hannah Belle was in heat, Jammies went into heat too and started bawling like a calf up in the milker pasture. Even though she could fit in Aunt Hannah Belle's back pocket she couldn't even get through one gate. So she just bawled.

"I am OVER HERE!" she was bawling to the bucks.

Since the other two were in heat my own mother Belle Pepper went into heat which was very embarrassing. I followed her when she tried to run down to the buck pasture but the farmer caught us both and we got detoured into the old buck pen.

The bucks were all blubbering and running in circles.

"Can someone help me?" my mother was yelling. "Could one of you gentlemen possibly help me?"

"This is ridiculous," said the farmer. "Can you all please be quiet?"

" I can't help you, " screamed Walker the Talker, "but I am PART NUBIAN!!!"