The little fat one Clara Belle gets carried around a lot. It runs up to the farmer simpering the way Moldy used to do. Then it jumps up on the farmer which isn't supposed to be allowed. Then it gets picked up and carried around, preening down on everyone with a simper from high above with lordly airs. I really don't like that one. I hope I do not see it get carried to the grain bin. If I do I will make a black mark in my book and a mental note to t-bone it when it comes down in our pasture. When the farmer isn't looking, obviously.
Eo is keeping a detailed list of grievances against it so I will add mine in there also.
1. Simpering
2. Preening
3. Jumping up (not allowed)
4. Lordly airs
5. Obesity
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
are - oh - see
Well the samples went to the lab and Cherry's milk came back 6% butterfat, that explains the sleepyheadedness of the population when placed on Cherry milk. It also explains Clara Belle's waistline, since Iota's milk came back over 8% butterfat. But it doesn't explain Betty's stingy mark of 3.2% butterfat, that doesn't really make sense, unless the milk tester sort of forgot to mix the milk right with the dipper, and took all the milk off the top for Iota and Cherry's samples, and off the bottom for Betty. Anyway we'll see what happens next time.
In other news the milkers and babies got to go out in the front pasture with Willen the Haflinger who is too fat to go in the back and eat nice grass with the other horses who are enjoying some delicious red top. There isn't much grass there since Willen ate it all but there is a large thicket of blackberries poking through the fenceline.
The horseshoer came over and he was in a mood and he used a lot of colorful sayings, including "that's a ration of crap," which is what he says when he hears something preposterous like the cost of vet bills or how much the hospitals charge to take out a little kidney stone the size of a pea.
They charge a lot, and "that's a ration of crap."
Feel free to use this expression if you need to, it comes in handy, if you are in polite society you can say, "that's an R - O - C."
If you still do not understand what it means, here are some examples of how to use it:
a.) Wronny still has not had her babies, and that's an R - O - C.
b) The grass hay has gotten very stale, and that's an R - O - C.
c) They didn't tell us the electric fence was back on, and that's an R - O - C.
( phonetically: are - oh - see. )
In other news the milkers and babies got to go out in the front pasture with Willen the Haflinger who is too fat to go in the back and eat nice grass with the other horses who are enjoying some delicious red top. There isn't much grass there since Willen ate it all but there is a large thicket of blackberries poking through the fenceline.
The horseshoer came over and he was in a mood and he used a lot of colorful sayings, including "that's a ration of crap," which is what he says when he hears something preposterous like the cost of vet bills or how much the hospitals charge to take out a little kidney stone the size of a pea.
They charge a lot, and "that's a ration of crap."
Feel free to use this expression if you need to, it comes in handy, if you are in polite society you can say, "that's an R - O - C."
If you still do not understand what it means, here are some examples of how to use it:
a.) Wronny still has not had her babies, and that's an R - O - C.
b) The grass hay has gotten very stale, and that's an R - O - C.
c) They didn't tell us the electric fence was back on, and that's an R - O - C.
( phonetically: are - oh - see. )
Saturday, May 05, 2012
The Circles that you find...
We have all become very concerned about Clara Belle.
Her brother went to his new home and Clara Belle has been forced to drink all of Iota's milk. We didn't get the results back yet, but judging by her waistline I think it must be about 10% butterfat. In fact I was going to suggest if it isn't too late maybe her name could be changed to Butter Belle. Or possibly Beach Belle.
By this time she is about twice the size of Midget, who is quite a bit older, and she shows no sign of slowing down.
"How adorable," the visitors say when she comes stampeding toward them to be picked up.
"Oh dear," they say, when they try to lift her.
"Try this one," the farmer will say, and hand them Mango, who weighs about two pounds, or LGO (the little gray one). Even Clover weighs about half as much as Clara Belle.
Meanwhile Coco and Coffee have retained a surprising amount of Nubianity, considering that by this time they are only 1/16th Nubian.
Yesterday when everyone came into the barn for dinner they all ran into the usual stalls, except Coco who started running in a circle and jumping off the milk stands in the aisle. She went around once, and then twice, and then three times, and by that time the farmer had closed all the doors to shut everyone in and just stood staring at Coco.
Even Pinky was perplexed and asked Coco what she was doing.
"I am running in a circle! A circle goes around and around," she answered, panting. "Forever!"
The farmer snatched her up and dropped her over the stall door, or I think she would still be out there putting her views on geometry into action.
I hope she doesn't start trying to run in a trapezoid. Or a parabola.
We continue to be sobered by the circles that we find in the windmills of the Nubian mind.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Wronny's Kids....
....Still did not get born.
"This is a little ridiculous, Wronny," said the farmer, showing Wronny the calendar where it was marked in ink that she was going to kid in March.
"It is MAY now."
Wronny chewed her cud impassively.
The farmer showed a list of names of people waiting to take cheesemaking classes where they milk the professional goats and then make cheese.
"Do you want these people to have to milk Cherry?"
Wronny chewed her cud impassively.
"Or perhaps you think they would like to milk Iota?"
Iota's style of milking is that she gobbles the food as fast as she can with one half of her mouth while at the same time emitting a constant only slightly muffled high-pitched scream with the other half. This is really an astonishing trick, it is like something you would see in Las Vegas. Not on the Strip but maybe out on one of the side streets. Pretty far out, actually. In the desert, maybe.
Also while screaming she kicks one of her back legs in a sort of sidestroke motion so that she looks like a little white frog.
The funny part is that she has improved almost 51% since she started: in the beginning she wouldn't eat at all and just devoted herself to kicking both legs and splitting everyone's eardrums with a completely unmuffled banshee howl.
"This is why Nigerians get a bad reputation," the farmer said darkly to Betty, like it is Betty's fault because Iota is her daughter. Betty chewed her cud impassively. "She gets that from her father," she told us when the farmer went away.
"I want those kids on the ground, Wronny," the farmer blathered on. "And no more false alarms. Stop pretending to wax over and loosen your ligaments. Do you hear me?"
Wronny chewed her cud impassively.
Meanwhile while all the charts were being reviewed Poppy popped out a set of triplet doelings without any sermon from the farmer and after a short stay in the delivery room they were ushered out to mix with the other mothers and babies and this was an occasion for another lecture.
"I do not want anyone bothering Poppy," the farmer harangued the other mothers. " She is very shy and sweet and I do not want any of you monsters bothering her or her triplets. Does everyone understand me?"
Betty, Iota, and Cherry chewed their cuds impassively.
An hour or so later the farmer came out to check the baby stall and Poppy had pinned the other mothers to the far wall with a series of masterful head flips, backed up by skillful earbiting and Sugar Ray Leonard style body blows. Poppy and her triplets lived inside an imaginary line that cut the stall in half. The other mothers and kids lived in the other half.
The hay feeder and the water bucket - you guessed it - were on Poppy's side.
You never know what motherhood will do for someone.
"Hmm," mused the farmer. "Maybe Poppy could train Iota how to milk properly."
Monday, April 23, 2012
Milk Master Midget
Well the milk test day has come and gone.
Here is what happened.
Coco Plum slept the whole day since she was planning to do that anyway.
Coffee Bean escaped from the barn but since she is part Nubian she did not know she had escaped and she ran back in and was reapprehended. But since she is part Nubian she did not know she was reapprehended so she was just relieved. She would not take a bottle but drank freely from the farmer's elbow. Since she is part Nubian she did not know that there is no milk in the elbow.
Write this down if you are making a chart or something: there are no (zero) mammary glands in the elbow.
Anyway the mind is a powerful organ even in a Nubian and after drinking her fill of elbow milk Coffee was convinced that she needed a nap and she nodded off as usual.
Cubby and Clover guzzled freely from the bottles that were provided. For a while it was feared that Cubby might explode.
Horatio drank sparingly, just enough to get by. Clara Belle drank only a little, but gobbled extra hay.
At 9 a.m. Midget guaranteed that his gallbladder would explode if he were not reunited immediately with his beloved mother. He sang heartbreaking spirituals to himself to keep hope alive. Nobody knew the trouble he had seen. How could they?
At 10 a.m. Midget refused the bottle. "I will never drink from that bottle!" he screamed.
At 11 a.m. Midget refused the bottle. "Please come and take me!" he beseeched the sky. "My suffering is too great for this world!"
I felt like clapping. It was quite a Passion Play.
At noon Midget refused the bottle. At 2 p.m. Midget refused the bottle.
At 3 p.m. Midget guzzled exhaustively from the bottle with a speed and dexterity not seen since the days when Tangy was a bottle baby. It was feared he might explode. A murmur of awe went up from the gallery.
When you see a Milk Master, a true Milk Master, you must tip your hat, one professional to another.
Well played, Midget.
Here is what happened.
Coco Plum slept the whole day since she was planning to do that anyway.
Coffee Bean escaped from the barn but since she is part Nubian she did not know she had escaped and she ran back in and was reapprehended. But since she is part Nubian she did not know she was reapprehended so she was just relieved. She would not take a bottle but drank freely from the farmer's elbow. Since she is part Nubian she did not know that there is no milk in the elbow.
Write this down if you are making a chart or something: there are no (zero) mammary glands in the elbow.
Anyway the mind is a powerful organ even in a Nubian and after drinking her fill of elbow milk Coffee was convinced that she needed a nap and she nodded off as usual.
Cubby and Clover guzzled freely from the bottles that were provided. For a while it was feared that Cubby might explode.
Horatio drank sparingly, just enough to get by. Clara Belle drank only a little, but gobbled extra hay.
At 9 a.m. Midget guaranteed that his gallbladder would explode if he were not reunited immediately with his beloved mother. He sang heartbreaking spirituals to himself to keep hope alive. Nobody knew the trouble he had seen. How could they?
At 10 a.m. Midget refused the bottle. "I will never drink from that bottle!" he screamed.
At 11 a.m. Midget refused the bottle. "Please come and take me!" he beseeched the sky. "My suffering is too great for this world!"
I felt like clapping. It was quite a Passion Play.
At noon Midget refused the bottle. At 2 p.m. Midget refused the bottle.
At 3 p.m. Midget guzzled exhaustively from the bottle with a speed and dexterity not seen since the days when Tangy was a bottle baby. It was feared he might explode. A murmur of awe went up from the gallery.
When you see a Milk Master, a true Milk Master, you must tip your hat, one professional to another.
Well played, Midget.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Sorrow and The Pity and the Deaf Ears
The farmer explained to the mothers that they would be going out with the fat ladies today and the babies would not be going with them because the mothers are going on milk test and they need to bag up.
The babies cried. And then the mothers cried.
The mothers went out and joined the scrum at the feeders and it was a beautiful day and the babies stayed in the barn. The mothers gobbled at the feeders, crying together in a low hum, with their mouths full. The farmer started sweeping out the barn.
Clover is the smartest one of the babies and she screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw the farmer. "I HAVE AN IDEA!"
The farmer just kept sweeping.
"CAN YOU COME HERE PLEASE!" screamed Clover. "I HAVE AN IDEA!"
The farmer backed the tractor out to go get the flatbed and hitch it to the truck.
"I CAN TEST THE MILK FOR YOU!" screamed Clover. "I KNOW HOW TO DO IT! I HAVE BEEN DOING IT MY WHOLE LIFE!"
The farmer hitched the tractor to the flatbed. The mothers finished gobbling and started crying.
"ALSO I REMEMBER NOW," screamed Clover, "I JUST TESTED THE MILK AND IT IS FINE. I TESTED IT YESTERDAY! IT'S FINE! A+!"
The farmer rolled the fencing off the flatbed and pulled it out to the driveway.
"EXCUSE ME," screamed Clover, "MIDGET IS HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK! HE IS A MAMA'S BOY!"
"THAT'S TRUE!" screamed Betty from the other side of the fence.
"AND I THINK HIS GALLBLADDER JUST POPPED!"
"I HEARD IT!" screamed Cubby.
The farmer went and got the truck and hitched it to the flatbed.
"MIDGET JUST FAINTED!" Clover bellowed. "AND COCO IS HAVING A BRAIN HERNIA!"
The farmer got in the truck and drove away.
"I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY!" screamed Clover.
"I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY!" screamed the mothers.
The truck disappeared, heading down the road toward Home.
The babies cried. And then the mothers cried.
The mothers went out and joined the scrum at the feeders and it was a beautiful day and the babies stayed in the barn. The mothers gobbled at the feeders, crying together in a low hum, with their mouths full. The farmer started sweeping out the barn.
Clover is the smartest one of the babies and she screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw the farmer. "I HAVE AN IDEA!"
The farmer just kept sweeping.
"CAN YOU COME HERE PLEASE!" screamed Clover. "I HAVE AN IDEA!"
The farmer backed the tractor out to go get the flatbed and hitch it to the truck.
"I CAN TEST THE MILK FOR YOU!" screamed Clover. "I KNOW HOW TO DO IT! I HAVE BEEN DOING IT MY WHOLE LIFE!"
The farmer hitched the tractor to the flatbed. The mothers finished gobbling and started crying.
"ALSO I REMEMBER NOW," screamed Clover, "I JUST TESTED THE MILK AND IT IS FINE. I TESTED IT YESTERDAY! IT'S FINE! A+!"
The farmer rolled the fencing off the flatbed and pulled it out to the driveway.
"EXCUSE ME," screamed Clover, "MIDGET IS HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK! HE IS A MAMA'S BOY!"
"THAT'S TRUE!" screamed Betty from the other side of the fence.
"AND I THINK HIS GALLBLADDER JUST POPPED!"
"I HEARD IT!" screamed Cubby.
The farmer went and got the truck and hitched it to the flatbed.
"MIDGET JUST FAINTED!" Clover bellowed. "AND COCO IS HAVING A BRAIN HERNIA!"
The farmer got in the truck and drove away.
"I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY!" screamed Clover.
"I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY!" screamed the mothers.
The truck disappeared, heading down the road toward Home.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The Most Beautiful Squirrel in the World
Life is full of mistakes. Every time you turn around there is some kind of mistake. Just yesterday I stood next to Betsy at the feeder. That was a mistake.
Years ago there was a mistake made in the Boxcar Betty family. That's because there is a rule of thumb. If you are in the Belle family and you are very special, you are supposed to get a Belle name. Hannah Belle, Cora Belle, Belle Pepper, Million Belles (that's me). But when Betty was born she tumbled out like a little pair of dice, just a black-and-white ball flashing polka dots across the straw, and the farmer said "Boxcars!"
That name stuck and she became Boxcar Betty.
She should have had a Belle name. But she didn't. So that meant none of her kids had Belle names. Because it was a rule of thumb. Duchess should have had a Belle name. And so should Iota.
And when Iota had her kids, they weren't eligible for Belle names, and they didn't seem particularly to need them because they looked like squirrels. So the girl was named Cloud 9 (Cloudy) and that seemed ok for a few weeks. But then she began to grow into herself, shaking off her baby funk. And she began to develop a certain type of personality that has been seen before here, a personality that reminds everyone of a certain someone. And she did not look anything like a squirrel any more, or if she did, she was the most beautiful squirrel in the world.
Luckily our farmer is weak-minded, and hadn't gotten around to sending any papers in, and yesterday the farmer said, hmm, I think you might need a new name.
And so here it is years later and what do you know. The mistake of Betty's name has been fixed. So you see all those mistakes you made don't have to be set in stone. They are only mistakes in your mind. Change your mind and you can fix them.
There's a new Belle in town.
Iota's Daughter
Years ago there was a mistake made in the Boxcar Betty family. That's because there is a rule of thumb. If you are in the Belle family and you are very special, you are supposed to get a Belle name. Hannah Belle, Cora Belle, Belle Pepper, Million Belles (that's me). But when Betty was born she tumbled out like a little pair of dice, just a black-and-white ball flashing polka dots across the straw, and the farmer said "Boxcars!"
That name stuck and she became Boxcar Betty.
She should have had a Belle name. But she didn't. So that meant none of her kids had Belle names. Because it was a rule of thumb. Duchess should have had a Belle name. And so should Iota.
And when Iota had her kids, they weren't eligible for Belle names, and they didn't seem particularly to need them because they looked like squirrels. So the girl was named Cloud 9 (Cloudy) and that seemed ok for a few weeks. But then she began to grow into herself, shaking off her baby funk. And she began to develop a certain type of personality that has been seen before here, a personality that reminds everyone of a certain someone. And she did not look anything like a squirrel any more, or if she did, she was the most beautiful squirrel in the world.
Luckily our farmer is weak-minded, and hadn't gotten around to sending any papers in, and yesterday the farmer said, hmm, I think you might need a new name.
And so here it is years later and what do you know. The mistake of Betty's name has been fixed. So you see all those mistakes you made don't have to be set in stone. They are only mistakes in your mind. Change your mind and you can fix them.
There's a new Belle in town.
Iota's Daughter
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