Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Kidder's Guide, Part One

It is getting to be that time of year. Here we are calling it June-uary and the frogs started singing two nights ago. Because of the time of year and also because of my extreme kindness and generosity I would like to offer a word from the wise (me) to the hapless and the uninitiated (you).

In case you might want to know we have a birthing procedure here which most of you would do well to follow if you are considering having kids of your own, even small ones can be rather a headache to push out. You start in squeezing and you think, oh this horror will be over in a minute. And then sometimes it goes on for an hour or more, which can be quite taxing especially if it is your first time and you think you have a kidney stone or got hold of some bad Swedish Fish which if you are wondering actually there aren't any bad Swedish Fish so cross that off your list.

But even though there are no bad Swedish Fish some are better than others (the red ones) and if you don't know what this is, it's food for thought, which brings me to my next point which is that if you are going to be doing any deep thinking it is (usually) best to eat while you are doing it. This is called ruminating. And not for nothing.

Ok where was I. Birthing. Of course first you must find a suitable health care provider, I recommend getting one with ten small fingers and at least two credit cards. You don't have to be nice all year long but when you are getting ready to kid it is best to admire the health care provider in a fawning manner and try to favoritize yourself to it. Moldy is a master of this. This is not a time for subtlety or nuance. If you are going to fawn, fawn fawningly and unmistakably, like an lolcat. Some phrases you could use: I R CRYING CUZ I RRUVV U, Y U SO PRIDDY MOMMY?,  WIDDLE GOATY WWUVV FARMER, and so on. I'm sorry but it has to be done.

OK next: it might sound crazy but don't eat too much. After you kid you will get a lot of lovely delicious alfalfa and other food so just wait for that. If you get too fat before you kid it will be like you are trying to kid out a butterball turkey that is wearing an eskimo parka and what you want is for your kids to squirt out like the Olympic luge at 85 miles an hour so you can get right to the post-partum buffet.

Part Two coming soon but in the meantime if you have a question you can ask me but keep it short I have a lot of ruminating to do today.

12 comments :

Anonymous said...

Finally! This blog is giving sensible, good advice that everyone can use. I have posted the post in the birthing area for all to see and up high enough that it won't get wet...we start on Saturday here at our little corner of the Midwest...good luck to all!!

Ozarks Goat Girl said...

Yes, I have a question,Millie. How long must one fawn fawningly? Is that part over the minute the buffet begins or do you have to keep fawning to keep the buffet coming? And one more question if you have the time--why must the buffet end? 10 fingers and 2 credit cards really should ensure an endless buffet.

goatfarmer said...

Yes thanks for your question Ogg. Obviously you stop fawning as soon as you have kidded safely. It is preventive fawning. As far as the buffet if you keep milking generally the buffet will continue indefinitely.

Anonymous said...

Too late! Too late! I waited patiently for part II until exactly 5 days past my due date and then had an awful experience that I might have known how to handle except part II was missing and so it was just awful without any relief! First, I fawned and they petted me which was really not right and then there was this awful pain (they may have actually kicked me!!)and then they actually tried to pawn these very small goats off on me as if that would some how make it all better!! Not one fish of any nationality was offered...just two small female goats which look a great deal like the boy who lives over the hill and down the lane for heaven's sake. Well, I refused them I can tell you. Turned up my nose and walked away from that offering. So, here I am waiting with no fish and wondering why they kicked me when I was fawning??? Thank you for any and all help...

goatfarmer said...

Hmm. You have produced two small doelings and not been compensated in any manner? No fish, no pretzels, no gingersnaps, nothing? If so this is a serious violation.

Ozarks Goat Girl said...

Dear Anonymous, I, too, have been waiting for part II of the kidding story as one of my goats for the longest time fawned until she quit fawning and just hung her head down and then after quite some time pushed out a very large buck but did not want the other 2 babies inside her to come out just yet. So my friend had to reach inside her--yes! INSIDE HER--how rude! and feel around and grab legs and heads and untangle them and finally pull them out--and after all this we expected her to fall in love with them. Can you imagine? She sortof has, not sure yet, is tolerating them. She has been rewarded with fine alfalfa hay and delicious grain. You, dear Anonymous, are certainly due a fine treat of some kind. If we only had Part II of the story we would know if you should keep fawning or get beligerant or start screaming or what. We sure need some direction soon...

Anonymous said...

The ogres want me to come clean and admit that there was one or maybe a few peanuts offered in recompense for my pain from the kicking which they claim did not happen, but I know when my unmentionables have been kicked and trust me this was a major kick in the unmentionables. Anyway, still no fish not even a northern pike and the two small female goats are still being pushed in my face and other regions further south with relentless encouragement to accept what is clearly unacceptable. They have even figured out some diabolical way to make them smell good...I shall remain strong and resist this absurdity even though they will continue the assault while continuing to hold the fish! I await part II with grim determination...thank you OGG and goatfarmer for your thoughtful and affirming support...Please know that I hope the two little female goats are happy and eventually find someone to feed them fish...I bear them no ill will.

goatfarmer said...

If they try to offer you a northern pike do not take it.

Ozarks Goat Girl said...

Dear Anonymous,
I would happily and immediately send you Swedish fish and a large bag of peanuts (salted in the shell, of course) and my goats' personal favorite--a large plastic container of apple flavored horse treats but alas! you are anonymous and I know not where to send them. Know that in compensation I will feed all of the above with the exception of Swedish fish as my goats don't like fish and neither do I to my mama goat who had her insides so traumatized. She is doing well, by the way, thank you for asking, as are 2 of her babies. But the last one to come out, who had to be pulled quietly strongly by one leg initially, has 3 good legs and one that is not working right and we are hoping it will start working as we can't tell what's wrong and if only, in only Part II of this segment would get published perhaps Millie would know what to do...

Anonymous said...

Oh, I know how the great northwest is just teeming in fish and still SOME people have to import. It is not lost on those of us in the Midwest that the common cat fish of the Ozarks or the great northern pike of Packer land is snubbed in favor of the exotic and Euro-flavored fish of the upper echelons. Well, I guess those fish chowder drinkers from the east coast (and who knows what they put in that stuff) sure dumped a smelly kettle of fish on the Sea dwellers...humph. ogg, I think we may just have to take our good old American fish and toddle off in our own direction without direction...that is of course if your little one can toddle...I've heard that fish oil is really good for amnesia...is it possible that she has just forgotten how to walk after the trauma?

Ozarks Goat Girl said...

Dear Anonymous, I cannot make sense of what your are writing. Why don't you go lie down awhile and put a cool cloth on your head.

Anonymous said...

Sense? Sense? Am I on the wrong blog???